me.

8 Nov

As much as I talk about myself on this here blog, I never really reveal anything. Sure, my love of all things Paul Newman, Europe, writing, traveling, etc., have been discussed at length. And sure, my loathing of all things rainy, cloudy, snowy (I won’t even comment on how loathing and weather seem to be related with me), etc., have been discussed time and time again.

But I barely talk about me.

The Actual Me, the fears, the hopes, the past, the pain, the truest sense of myself. There are several reasons why I have refrained from doing so. A few: 

1) I believe there should still be a level of privacy when it comes to anything online and the life you lead offline. I know nothing is ever really hidden–somewhere, my terrible, hastily deleted email about my former boss probably still exists, likely in the Matrix–but I just don’t think anyone needs to know what city I live in or the name of the company I work for (well, that information is available on FB, which might invalidate this entire reasoning, but only my friends can access that. I think. I’m in trouble.) Those things can be found, yes. But the info will not be coming from me.

2) For some reason, I imagine serial murderers waiting in the darkness, waiting for the kill, having found me or family/friends by way of an address or a telephone number. I don’t want that. So I use no proper nouns or locations.

3) It’s just weird, revealing the many vulnerabilities of yourself online. Like, do I really want to talk about what those horrible kids did to me in the 6th grade? Not really. I’d rather just nervous breakdown about it one day and somehow get a therapist for free. (Free being the most important part. We’re in a recession, right?)

The point of it all? I don’t just hold back here on Kitten Heel Marvel. I hold back in my life. But I’m lately recognizing that my adult, 16 days as a 33 year-old self can’t keep holding back anymore. For the purposes of closure, of letting it out, of attaining a sense of emotional balance, it may be time to loosen the ropes I’ve tied around my life.

“Me,” by Paula Cole. I think her song inherently describes the battle between repression and revelation, and eventually, choosing the latter. Lyrics follow the audio.

i am not the person who is singing
i am the silent one inside
i am not the one who laughs at people’s jokes
i just pacify their egos
i am not my house or my car or my songs
they are only just stops along my way
i am like winter
i’m a dark cold female
with a golden ring of wisdom in my cave

CHORUS:
and it is me who is my enemy
me who beats me up
me who makes the monsters
me who strips my confidence

i am carrying my voice
i am carrying my heart
i am carrying my rhythm
i am carrying my prayers
but you can’t kill my spirit
it’s soaring and it’s strong
like a mountain
i go on and on
but when my wings are folded
the brightly colored moth
blends into the dirt into the ground

chorus

and it’s me who’s too weak
and it’s me who’s too shy
to ask for the thing i love
and it’s me who’s too weak
and it’s me who’s too shy
to ask for the thing i love
that i love

i am walking on the bridge
i am over the water
and i’m scared as h***
but i know there’s something better
yes i know there’s something
yes i know, i know, yes i know

that i love (5 times overlapping chorus)

but it’s me
and it’s me
but it’s me

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3 Responses to “me.”

  1. MELISSA SENGER December 14, 2011 at 7:05 pm #

    This is my theme song/life song. You & I must be kindred, because nobody EVER knows this song.

    • tym2ryt December 14, 2011 at 10:35 pm #

      Hello, Kindred! I love this song to pieces. One of my absolute favorites.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. seriously, what in the world does Kitten Heel Marvel mean? | Kitten Heel Marvel - August 3, 2012

    […] to the Passport, whereas Kitten Heel Marvel is purely about me, even if I do tend to hold back for reasons I’ve mentioned before. (Still working on that.) Or, perhaps I considered the […]

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