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Life According to Frederick

14 Jan

So I just watered Frederick for the day and found myself relieved that he’s only a plant. He has nothing to say. He will never comment on the activities of his owner. He will always plead the 5th. But what if? What if Frederick were given the power of thought?

  • Why is she always on that stupid website? Who cares about those dumb celebrities anyway?
  • How many angles can a person view that actor? He looks the same every time.
  • I’m so thirsty! And she’s so lazy!
  • Staring off into space again. She needs a special slot on her timesheet for Daydreaming, if you ask me.
  • Ok. Seriously? Youtubing Neil Diamond? How old is this girl?
  • You will not find full episodes of the Golden Girls online! Give it up!
  • Uh oh. She’s doing that thing again, when she opens her mouth and does that long, silent scream. Someone get this girl some therapy.
  • How thirsty am I right now? She’s on her third Fresca for the day and I have sit here, dry and parched and exposed to the the 1 billionth youtube clip of yet another Broadway show. Somebody help me. Somebody, please.
  • Yeah, right. Only 100 calories in that pack of Oreos. Sure. I believe that lie. Gul-lib-le.
  • That’s right. Get up. Walk the five paces to the sink and pour the water. Yes, yes, come back. Pour the water. That’s it. Good girl.
  • Sigh. She’s awesome.

Oh, Frederick. I will shed tears when I inevitably lose sight of how to take care of you and cause your untimely demise. Forgive me.



Sincerely, Taj

Dear World, I have stuff to say, so get cozy. Here, I've got cupcakes.

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