Any lover of “Saved by the Bell” recognizes those words, so beautifully rendered by Jessie Spano while coming off her speed pill addiction.
I’ve been thinking about SBTB today, mainly because I watch the re-runs every morning while getting ready for work (which means that I’ve been watching this show most of my life. I was there when it was “Good Morning, Miss Bliss,” and was painfully present when it was “SBTB: The College Years.” Yikes. But does NBC owe me some money for my devotion? A shout-out or something?). I thought about all the times that Zach was there for his friends; how stupid Screech really was; how Slater is…there are no words to truly describe the cheesiness of AC Slater. Nevertheless, despite the campy wonder of the show, it taught me some very valuable lessons growing up. It did!
1. Don’t drink and drive. But if you do, you’ll merely crash your mother’s Mercedes into a pole and survive. They survived hitting a pole.
2. It’s all right to be homeless. If you are, Zach and his Mom will let you stay in their house while you look for a job.
3. If you do become addicted to speed pills, like Jessie, you’ll come off the pills in 3 days.
4. You can skip classes, apparently, to go eat lunch at the Max? And go back to class like it was all right?
5. Screech (or people with traits like Screech), are completely not dependable in any way.
6. Seriously, Kelli broke up with Zach for JEFF? Who was creepy and dating a teenager? Who had zero personality? Really?
7. You and all of your friends will apply for jobs at a summer resort and every one of you will be hired. Oh, and your really rich friend will happen to be a member during that summer, as well. Hijinks will happily and quickly ensue.
8. If you’re scared that your Dad will find out about your horrible grades? You can hire a waiter at the local diner to assume his identity! And it will almost, almost work!
9. You won’t find out that you’re 1 credit shy of graduating until two days before graduation. Oh, and Zach Morris will get to give a speech on Graduation Day. Even though he’s not valedictorian. Or salutatorian. Or anything. Sigh.
10. Speaking of speeches, they will always save the day. Especially if an evil Texan oil baron wants to partner up with your high school and renovate it, only to kill your new best friend, who happens to be a duck, while causing an oil spill. If you give a speech, the School Board will vote against the evil Texan oil baron. Or let a girl wrestle. Or whatever. Because speeches are that powerful.
11.You’ll learn that your principal used to be a DJ for the school radio station. While wandering about within the bowels of school property?
12. People get angry/sad/distressed and say “I’m outta here” before running out of the room. And it’ normal.
13. Speaking of the principal, you’ll get to deliver this wife’s baby while getting stuck in the school elevator. Because your high school has more than two levels. Ok, it could. But an elevator? No.
14. Speaking of said principal, you can just walk into his office. Or sneak into it. Or hide in it. Or do whatever you please, because it’s never locked.
15. Your best friend will always save the day.
That last one? I totally agree with it. Even if he/she doesn’t always save the day, however, it’s cool to know that they would quickly save the day if they could.